Making Peace

As you know, my platform is a support for caregivers and families dealing with older adults. It’s also a platform for caregivers to share their experiences and for health professionals and other professionals to share knowledge and awareness concerning aging and older adults.

We talk about many subjects concerning our parents or grandparents and how to have a better quality of life for them and for us. We encourage families to start thinking about whether they will be caregivers or will need care at some point.

One of the things we haven’t really focused on is peace. Making peace with your loved ones.

What is your relationship like with your loved one? What went on before you became a caregiver? Yes, let’s go there.

I have spoken with some people off camera who are open and honest about the struggles of taking care of a parent who didn’t really favor them. A parent who was absent for much of their lifetime. A parent who they were not so close to. Sure, they love them… but they’d rather not have been the one.

Let’s be honest, there are many broken relationships that need to be repaired but don’t get repaired before it’s time to step in and be a caregiver.

Many families have broken relationships, and everyone thinks they have time, or that it will work itself out. Time is not ours to hold on to or manipulate. There are no promises about what the future holds. You may become a caregiver before you know it. Many times, it happens unexpectedly. Are you ready? Is your relationship right with your loved one? And if not, how does that play a part in their care?

A caregiver’s journey is complex regardless of the relationship. Everyone is not always ready for the reality of caring for their parents, especially if the relationship is rocky.

I know this is a touchy subject, but it’s a subject that needs to be addressed.

It is difficult to care for someone you are not in the best standing with. It is difficult to care for someone and be responsible for their well-being when you didn’t get along with them. Someone who didn’t show you affection; who didn’t treat you fairly; who made you jump through hoops to get one little thing; who gave you a hard time while growing up, seemingly for no reason or who gave time and attention to your siblings but not to you. The one who didn’t sacrifice their time for you. The parent who you heard say negative things about you; who always put other people ahead of you; who never took you seriously or said that you’d never amount to anything; who was absent most of your life. The one who ignored you.

That parent who never came to your events, never acknowledged your accomplishments, even to this day. Never hugged you or patted you on the back. Yet you are the one. You are the one in line to be their caregiver.

I’m not saying these things to be mean, but if this stirs up negative feelings in you or strikes a nerve, it may be time to mend some fences. Whatever the reason is that separates you from that person, I challenge you to revisit it.

Yes, go to that place of pain or uncertainty and think about the questions you want answered. The questions that were hushed. The questions that might be a little embarrassing for both parties but need to be addressed before your parents’ well-being is placed in your care.

Why is this important? Bitterness and unforgiveness weigh on you and will guide your actions and decisions if you leave them unattended.

For example: Will you rush to put your loved one in a home the first time you have a complicated situation with them? Will you give them grace and have patience with them, even if they didn’t with you?

Being a caregiver can be all-consuming and a huge sacrifice and adjustment to your life.

Are you ready for that? Is your heart ready for that? Have you made peace with your loved one?

To make peace and be the best caregiver you can be, you have to forgive. Forgiveness is a process. It takes time. It takes growth on both parties; maturity, humility, and empathy.

Why not do it now, or at least start the process?

Forgiveness can lead to peace within you. Little by little, confront your loved one. Having a hard conversation with love can heal the heart. Lead with love. Let’s start the movement toward peace.

Work on it now, before you become their caregiver.

I hope this helps someone. PEACE!