Making Peace

As you know, my platform is a support for caregivers and families dealing with older adults. It’s also a platform for caregivers to share their experiences and for health professionals and other professionals to share knowledge and awareness concerning aging and older adults.

We talk about many subjects concerning our parents or grandparents and how to have a better quality of life for them and for us. We encourage families to start thinking about whether they will be caregivers or will need care at some point.

One of the things we haven’t really focused on is peace. Making peace with your loved ones.

What is your relationship like with your loved one? What went on before you became a caregiver? Yes, let’s go there.

I have spoken with some people off camera who are open and honest about the struggles of taking care of a parent who didn’t really favor them. A parent who was absent for much of their lifetime. A parent who they were not so close to. Sure, they love them… but they’d rather not have been the one.

Let’s be honest, there are many broken relationships that need to be repaired but don’t get repaired before it’s time to step in and be a caregiver.

Many families have broken relationships, and everyone thinks they have time, or that it will work itself out. Time is not ours to hold on to or manipulate. There are no promises about what the future holds. You may become a caregiver before you know it. Many times, it happens unexpectedly. Are you ready? Is your relationship right with your loved one? And if not, how does that play a part in their care?

A caregiver’s journey is complex regardless of the relationship. Everyone is not always ready for the reality of caring for their parents, especially if the relationship is rocky.

I know this is a touchy subject, but it’s a subject that needs to be addressed.

It is difficult to care for someone you are not in the best standing with. It is difficult to care for someone and be responsible for their well-being when you didn’t get along with them. Someone who didn’t show you affection; who didn’t treat you fairly; who made you jump through hoops to get one little thing; who gave you a hard time while growing up, seemingly for no reason or who gave time and attention to your siblings but not to you. The one who didn’t sacrifice their time for you. The parent who you heard say negative things about you; who always put other people ahead of you; who never took you seriously or said that you’d never amount to anything; who was absent most of your life. The one who ignored you.

That parent who never came to your events, never acknowledged your accomplishments, even to this day. Never hugged you or patted you on the back. Yet you are the one. You are the one in line to be their caregiver.

I’m not saying these things to be mean, but if this stirs up negative feelings in you or strikes a nerve, it may be time to mend some fences. Whatever the reason is that separates you from that person, I challenge you to revisit it.

Yes, go to that place of pain or uncertainty and think about the questions you want answered. The questions that were hushed. The questions that might be a little embarrassing for both parties but need to be addressed before your parents’ well-being is placed in your care.

Why is this important? Bitterness and unforgiveness weigh on you and will guide your actions and decisions if you leave them unattended.

For example: Will you rush to put your loved one in a home the first time you have a complicated situation with them? Will you give them grace and have patience with them, even if they didn’t with you?

Being a caregiver can be all-consuming and a huge sacrifice and adjustment to your life.

Are you ready for that? Is your heart ready for that? Have you made peace with your loved one?

To make peace and be the best caregiver you can be, you have to forgive. Forgiveness is a process. It takes time. It takes growth on both parties; maturity, humility, and empathy.

Why not do it now, or at least start the process?

Forgiveness can lead to peace within you. Little by little, confront your loved one. Having a hard conversation with love can heal the heart. Lead with love. Let’s start the movement toward peace.

Work on it now, before you become their caregiver.

I hope this helps someone. PEACE!

Aging is a Blessing

I remember when my mom was 40, I thought she was the oldest mother in the world.  I couldn’t believe it.  She wasn’t sick or had any problems but to me, old was embarrassing and my mom was old. “Why was my mom soooo old?”  Not that I knew any of my friends’ mothers’ ages.   The point was my mom was old.  This was unbelievable, impossible, how could she do this to me. Yeah, the drama queen that I am, took it personally. LOL!!  

Now that I’m 60 uhm, ah well… 40 doesn’t seem so old.  What happened?  I’m good.  I’m healthy, active, and I still work. Where did all that anxiety come from around getting older?

We age daily. That’s why we must look at aging differently and incorporate conversations about aging in our lives.  It’s a natural part of living. We can’t avoid it.  Actually, I don’t think we really want to avoid it.  I’ve learned that every age is not only a blessing but another chance to get it right.  Another moment to woo-sah and sit still.  A time to enjoy God’s earth.  Time to explore something new.  Time to make a change in your life.  Out with the old and in with the new.   Do something interesting. Time to do something you never did before.  Time to retire and sit back and watch everyone else go to work. (I can’t wait) LOL.

Or chase an unrealized dream.  Do the thing you've never done before. Eat the food you never ate before.  And make peace with friends, family and more importantly, with yourself.

Time to get closer to God; Study, Pray. Time to get involved in your community; Volunteer. Enjoy your grandchildren. 

Age is not a death sentence; although we can hinder our aging process with negative thoughts, fears and uncertainty by wasting time wondering.  Wishing we would've, could've; upset that we do not have the ability we had ten, twenty, or thirty years ago.  Wishing we could go back. 

Well, you can’t.

One thing is certain, if you are reading this, you are still here. What are you going to do with this time? You surely can’t stop aging, but you can age better.  You can age happier; you can age gracefully by being grateful for every day, hour, minute, second; for every breath in and out.  You’re here, You’re alive. You’re getting older; so what? Let’s just do it better. Get informed, respect the aging process. Enjoy the benefits.  

My mother being 40 was a blessing. She was still here and healthy. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven Mommy – July 8, 1928   

The News

When I was young, I never watched the news. It was of no interest to me. I hated doing current events for homework. Some of you remember. We had to cut an article out of the newspaper, read it and write a summary. I couldn’t stand that.   Even when we used to gather in the class or auditorium to watch the Apollo lift off.  It was all boring to me. I protested, I pouted and sometimes cried. I hated it. The news was for adults.

After high school I was no longer assigned current events. In college we didn’t do that. “Thank God!”  But I was constantly told, by my brother, to watch the news.  He would not only watch the news but read the entire newspaper every day.  He’d say, “You need to know what’s going on in the world.” My response would be, “No sir, I don’t think so.”  I watch tv for pure entertainment.

 Eventually, as I became older, I noticed I would miss out on things. I never knew what was going on around me; a parade, a special event, or if the J train wasn’t running, (we didn’t have apps then) or even the weather. Finally, after many times getting caught in the rain or being over dressed and having to carry my jacket, I began to watch the news. Just for the weather.

Then it actual started getting interesting. I learned about things happening in my neighborhood and abroad. Interesting things. I learned about events in my area that were free. I learned about political issues that would affect me. And of course, I now knew how to dress for the weather. So, I began watching the news every night before I’d go to bed and then it extended to every morning. It became part of my regiment. I enjoyed what it offered. Could it be I’m growing up.  I am officially an adult. 

Fast forward to today. The news has changed. Times have changed.  The news is filled with much more negative information, stories that sadden me and actions and events that bring me to feel deeply ashamed of my country. It brings a sense of hopelessness, and chaotic energy as I watch the world implode. The anxiety I get when I look at how the world has changed and how we are moving backwards and destroying each other.  So much hate and greed being displayed openly. The feeling of being stuck in a whirlpool of disorder and confusion is disheartening and sometimes devastating. I cannot watch it.  The news is even worse than I used to imagine when I was growing up. It’s more than boring, it’s disturbing and unhealthy for me.  It’s come full circle. I’m no longer interested. I’m right back where I started. 

So, what do I do? How do I respond to this new climate of uncertainty? This climate feels and looks like the world is regressing.  How do I take in all this disastrous behavior and go to work feeling productive and blissful?  How do I function without worrying about the world?   Do I stop watching the news? Is that the answer? That was easy when I was a child but as an adult, there must be more that I can do…

I can persevere. I keep working on what I’m working on.  I keep my focus on the productive things I’m doing.   I keep loving the people I love.  And helping the people I help.  I keep my faith in God. I will continue the work I’ve been called to do. I will stay persistent and endure the good and the bad and keep hope alive.  I will keep my eye on the prize. 

I can’t control the news and the actions of the world, but I can control my movement.

Don’t be distracted by world chaos.  Keep doing what you can do.  Things will turn around.