I Miss My Mom..

My mom passed away in 2016 from Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s slowed down her functions by attacking her brain. It caused memory loss, confusion, changes in her behavior and personality.  It interfered with her ability to do the most basic functions that we take for granted, like going to the bathroom. Though she was able to walk and talk, she was not herself for years. 

Even with no other serious illnesses, part of her was gone never to return again. It’s really devastating when a disease robs you of who you are. 

It hurt being able to see my mom and not communicate like we used to.  We weren’t able to share stories about the family because she didn’t remember anyone.   We were not able to share in the new things that were happening in the family like, babies being born, someone graduating, or getting married. We could tell her but she couldn’t retain anything new.  I couldn’t take her to her favorite places because she no longer remembered having a favorite place or favorite dish. She actually was afraid to go out. 

Damn! This seems so unfair.  How could this happen?  Why my mom?

I miss my mom now.  But I think I missed her more then. That may not make sense to some people because when she was sick, at least she was with me.  I could see her, talk to her and help her but I wasn’t really helping my mom.  Not the mom that I knew. She was like a stranger in many ways. I missed her more when she was here dealing with Alzheimer’s. Every day, I had hope that she would return to herself.  Wishing she would snap out of it. Knowing the truth yet still wishing for a miracle. 

Damn! How do you reach her?  How do you get that wonderful, funny, smart mouth, God fearing woman back? How do you get her to remember who she was, what she liked and how wonderful she made people feel?

You Don’t!

You have to accept what she’s going through and meet her where she’s at.  Meet the new Lois Fanny Crawford.  Staring into space. Looking bewildered or confused, saying whatever comes to her mind without apology and no embarrassment from her end.  Now that part remained the same. LOL! 

What hurt the most was that she didn’t understand where she was and what was happening to her.  And she looked to me, who she trusted completely, for an explanation, or to fix it, or change it, or to make it better.  

I could not do any of that. If I explained she wouldn’t remember.  If I dared to change her location it would have confused her more and she may regress.  So, what do you do? I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t fix her.  

I don’t wish this helpless feeling on my worst enemy. Watching the person you love the most in the world disappear, is a painful experience.   This disease took her away from me while she was alive.  While sitting there with this lady I was grieving my mom.  I wanted her back so bad.  

I pray for anyone dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or any kind of dementia. It destroys them in such a way that they become unrecognizable to you. And that’s hard on the caregiver’s heart. 

Love you Mommy.